The Road to Marriage is a resource for pre (and post) marital counseling. It is important that you understand that this step does not guarantee or obligate anyone at this ministry to perform your marriage ceremony. That decision will be made during this step. Remember, we’re interested in launching a relationship not just performing a ceremony.
1. Meetings
- Meeting #1 Work through Road to Marriage
- Meeting #2 (after two dinners) Work through Road to Marriage
- Meeting #3 (after the two last dinners) Work through Road to Marriage and plan ceremony. Write and email personal vows to officiate.
- Meeting #4 Rehearsal, ceremony, reception
- Preparation: Do you have a check list for marriage? License, etc.
- Rehearsal: Do you have a date, location, time, marriage coordinator, etc.
- Ceremony: Date, time, location, colors, dress plan for officiate. Plan B for weather?
- Reception: The officiate is not the MC. You will have to provide someone for this role.
2. Personal background
- Share about your family. What positive/negative family of origin issues do you bring to the relationship?
- Share about any previous marriage experience.
- What is your academic background and/or employment experience?
- What hobbies do you pursue?
- What are you passionate about?
- What is your spiritual background?
- When did you realize your need for the grace of God?
- Are you trusting in the substitutional death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ alone for forgiveness and eternal life?
- Explain some of the key terms in the last statement: trust, substitutional death, resurrection, Lord, Jesus Christ, alone, eternal life.
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3. Blueprint
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4. Dinners
Ask four couples who follow Jesus, if you can have dinner with them to discuss a list of questions about marriage. They must be couples you don’t know well enough to know how they will answer the questions. Ideally, they should be couples who are at different stages of life (newly married, married with children, middle age, empty nesters). If necessary, ask your Pastor for names. Lasting friendships have developed from these dinners. The questions are the same for each couple.
“What advice do you have for us about the following?
Ask four couples who follow Jesus, if you can have dinner with them to discuss a list of questions about marriage. They must be couples you don’t know well enough to know how they will answer the questions. Ideally, they should be couples who are at different stages of life (newly married, married with children, middle age, empty nesters). If necessary, ask your Pastor for names. Lasting friendships have developed from these dinners. The questions are the same for each couple.
“What advice do you have for us about the following?
- Love
- Communication
- Work
- Parenting
- Faith and spiritual growth
- The Scriptures
- Church and ministry
- Baggage; overcoming negative family of origin issues
- Blessings; embracing positive family of origin issues
- Finances
- Sex
- Surviving hardship and difficulties
- Overcoming mistakes, failures
- The role of advice (mentoring, counseling, disciple making) plays in your marriage
- Your keys to a healthy marriage
- Do you have advice that we have not covered?
- Do you have a favorite recipe to share with us?
5. Your “Ten Commandments”
Collect ten verses from the Bible about marriage that relate to you both. Each of you contribute five to the list, no duplicates. These are your “Ten Commandments.” They are verses that reflect YOUR marriage, not necessarily verses about marriage in general. Verses about your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Frame them. Discover the verses from your personal Bible reading, not through word searches.
Collect ten verses from the Bible about marriage that relate to you both. Each of you contribute five to the list, no duplicates. These are your “Ten Commandments.” They are verses that reflect YOUR marriage, not necessarily verses about marriage in general. Verses about your hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Frame them. Discover the verses from your personal Bible reading, not through word searches.
6. Friendship 1
Good marriages are founded on friendship. Describe what you have done to establish a friendship.
Good marriages are founded on friendship. Describe what you have done to establish a friendship.
- Do I genuinely like this person?
I know this seems redundant, but it’s really not. I talk to many couples who say they love each other, but when you get past all the romantic feelings, there’s no friendship at the core of the relationship. Marry somebody you love to hang out with. Without a strong friendship, I believe a marriage is destined for failure. Don’t just marry somebody you love... marry somebody you like! - Am I attracted to more than their looks?
Physical attraction is definitely important but looks are going to change. That hot girl or guy you’re staring at now is going to look a lot different in 40 years! You need to make sure you’re drawn to who that person is, not just how that person looks. - Do I want this person to be the father or mother of my kids?
Before you get married, you need to ask more than “Do I want my kids to look like this person?” You need to ask “Do I want my kids to be like this person?” - Can I be myself around this person?
This is huge. If you feel like you have to be somebody else around your potential spouse, don’t get married! There’s nothing more exhausting than pretending to be someone you’re not for someone’s approval. Your spouse should bring out the best of who you are, not try to change who you are. - Does this person share and strengthen my faith?
God’s design for marriage is that a husband and wife come together with Christ in the center. Without Him as the foundation, the marriage will eventually crumble. Marry someone who not only shares your faith but also strengthens your faith. Your spouse should bring you closer to Jesus, not drag you farther away. - Do the people who love me most think we are a good match?
If your family and friends who love you the most, don’t think you are good for each other, then please look past your feelings and weigh carefully if you’re marrying the right person. You need a spouse who is going to strengthen your family bonds, not put a huge strain on them. If your family loves your fiancée, that’s a great sign! If they don’t, seriously reconsider your next step.
Has anyone declined to your request to perform your marriage ceremony?
7. Compatibility
It’s the key to a lasting relationship. The default is to look for someone that is good for you, however that is a self centered approach. A selfless approach looks at things the other way around and asks, “Am I right for this person?” Explain why you are the right person for your future spouse?
It’s the key to a lasting relationship. The default is to look for someone that is good for you, however that is a self centered approach. A selfless approach looks at things the other way around and asks, “Am I right for this person?” Explain why you are the right person for your future spouse?
8. Purity
Previous sexual relationships can negatively impact future relationships. Explain your understanding of this statement. Describe the level of communication you have had with each other about this.
Current sexual engagement makes it hard to make important relationship decisions. What are you doing to make sure your relationship is pure and God-honoring in the area of physical or sexual involvement? What are you doing to own the responsibility to keep things pure? Do you need make decisions right now to purify your relationship? Explain.
Previous sexual relationships can negatively impact future relationships. Explain your understanding of this statement. Describe the level of communication you have had with each other about this.
Current sexual engagement makes it hard to make important relationship decisions. What are you doing to make sure your relationship is pure and God-honoring in the area of physical or sexual involvement? What are you doing to own the responsibility to keep things pure? Do you need make decisions right now to purify your relationship? Explain.
9. Master, Mission, Mate
Healthy relationships proceed in this order: Master, Mission, Mate.
Master. Are you living under the Lordship of Jesus Christ? A good measure of this is how much time you spend with God in His word and prayer. Describe your devotional life.
Mission. Have you discovered your ministry direction in life? Have you served together? Have you done the type of ministry you’re drawn to, together? Explain.
Mate. Tim Keller said, “Don’t stop and look for a life mate, run as fast as you can towards the cross, reach out, and grab the hand of someone nearby.” Does this describe your relationship? Explain.
Healthy relationships proceed in this order: Master, Mission, Mate.
Master. Are you living under the Lordship of Jesus Christ? A good measure of this is how much time you spend with God in His word and prayer. Describe your devotional life.
Mission. Have you discovered your ministry direction in life? Have you served together? Have you done the type of ministry you’re drawn to, together? Explain.
Mate. Tim Keller said, “Don’t stop and look for a life mate, run as fast as you can towards the cross, reach out, and grab the hand of someone nearby.” Does this describe your relationship? Explain.
10. Fear
Fear of hurting someone’s feelings can prevent needed communication and hamper a relationship from making the necessary adjustments. It’s said that everyone has some level of fear going into marriage. What fears do you have about your marriage? Are you afraid to communicate about something specific? Do you resonate with any of the above statements? Are any true of you? Explain.
Fear of hurting someone’s feelings can prevent needed communication and hamper a relationship from making the necessary adjustments. It’s said that everyone has some level of fear going into marriage. What fears do you have about your marriage? Are you afraid to communicate about something specific? Do you resonate with any of the above statements? Are any true of you? Explain.
11. Right versus Wrong person
Healthy relationships are built around two people being the right people for each other at the right time. The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person. Explain why you are the right people at the right time for each other?
Healthy relationships are built around two people being the right people for each other at the right time. The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person. Explain why you are the right people at the right time for each other?
12. Readiness
Are you really ready for marriage? A readiness for marriage doesn’t just mean you are available, eager, and looking forward to life together. It means you are ready to experience continued character development through marriage. It means you are willing to let your marriage mature YOU.
Author Rod Dempsey states it this way, “Being married...exposes who you really are. Being married is like looking into a 'character mirror.' If you are selfish and immature before you marry, then you will be selfish and immature after you marry. I agree with Martin Luther, who 'viewed marriage as a school of character, whereby God uses the hardships of daily family life to sanctify us.'"2 With this new perspective, describe why you are ready to get married.
Are you really ready for marriage? A readiness for marriage doesn’t just mean you are available, eager, and looking forward to life together. It means you are ready to experience continued character development through marriage. It means you are willing to let your marriage mature YOU.
Author Rod Dempsey states it this way, “Being married...exposes who you really are. Being married is like looking into a 'character mirror.' If you are selfish and immature before you marry, then you will be selfish and immature after you marry. I agree with Martin Luther, who 'viewed marriage as a school of character, whereby God uses the hardships of daily family life to sanctify us.'"2 With this new perspective, describe why you are ready to get married.
13. Score
Here is how this works. Together you can score a total of four points. Each of you can bring two points to the equation. One point for each parent who modeled what it means to follow Jesus. Out of a possible score of four, what is your total score? What does it matter? If you’re not a four, what should you do about it?
Here is how this works. Together you can score a total of four points. Each of you can bring two points to the equation. One point for each parent who modeled what it means to follow Jesus. Out of a possible score of four, what is your total score? What does it matter? If you’re not a four, what should you do about it?
14. Colors
People are generally one of two colors (temperaments). They are either Red or Blue. The Red person rapidly becomes hot in conflict. They are quick to blame and slow at accepting fault. They will prolong an argument until they win. They pursue rather than withdraw in a conflict. They seek a truth outcome. They are fixers. They don't process conflict or value conclusions. They are frustrated by delay. They value being right.
The Blue person is cold when it comes to conflict. They are quick to accept blame (even it’s wrong to do so) and slow to assign fault. They seek to end conflict in order to make peace. They don’t try to win an argument. They withdraw rather than pursue when it comes to disagreements. They seek peace rather than truth. They are processors. They need time to come to conclusions and resent being pursued. They value being loved.
What color are you? Why does it matter? Describe conflict you have experienced as a couple.
How do you need to handle conflict based on your temperament color?
Pay special attention to #21 below if this is an issue in your relationship.
People are generally one of two colors (temperaments). They are either Red or Blue. The Red person rapidly becomes hot in conflict. They are quick to blame and slow at accepting fault. They will prolong an argument until they win. They pursue rather than withdraw in a conflict. They seek a truth outcome. They are fixers. They don't process conflict or value conclusions. They are frustrated by delay. They value being right.
The Blue person is cold when it comes to conflict. They are quick to accept blame (even it’s wrong to do so) and slow to assign fault. They seek to end conflict in order to make peace. They don’t try to win an argument. They withdraw rather than pursue when it comes to disagreements. They seek peace rather than truth. They are processors. They need time to come to conclusions and resent being pursued. They value being loved.
What color are you? Why does it matter? Describe conflict you have experienced as a couple.
How do you need to handle conflict based on your temperament color?
Pay special attention to #21 below if this is an issue in your relationship.
15. Partnership
I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.1 Corinthians 7:35 NLT
You should be looking for a ministry partner, not just someone to be with. Marriage is about serving the Lord together. It’s about standing side-by-side and ministering to others, not standing face-to-face mesmerized by each other. Marriage is a couple’s approach to fulfilling the Great Commission. Describe how you intend to fulfill the Great Commission together. How will you make disciples as partners?
I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.1 Corinthians 7:35 NLT
You should be looking for a ministry partner, not just someone to be with. Marriage is about serving the Lord together. It’s about standing side-by-side and ministering to others, not standing face-to-face mesmerized by each other. Marriage is a couple’s approach to fulfilling the Great Commission. Describe how you intend to fulfill the Great Commission together. How will you make disciples as partners?
16. Time apart
Absence makes the heart grow fonder...sometimes. Healthy relationships often have a chance to evaluate from a distance. Share about time you spent apart and what effect that had on your relationship? Are you willing to spend time apart with no contact or communication?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder...sometimes. Healthy relationships often have a chance to evaluate from a distance. Share about time you spent apart and what effect that had on your relationship? Are you willing to spend time apart with no contact or communication?
17. Heart
Healthy relationships are one in heart on these issues.
Healthy relationships are one in heart on these issues.
- Describe your heart for God. Where are you in your spiritual journey? What do you do to keep your heart strong for God? How do you help each other grow spiritually?
- Describe your heart for each other. What makes you want to be partners for life?
- Describe your heart for ministry. What is your ministry passion? How do you know you will serve well together?
18. Read a book
Each of you read a copy of the same book separately. Highlight the most important parts of the book. Read over each other’s highlights and talk about them.
Each of you read a copy of the same book separately. Highlight the most important parts of the book. Read over each other’s highlights and talk about them.
- Bride: What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men, by Patrick Morely
- Groom: What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women, by James Dobson.
- Both: The Meaning of Marriage, by Tim Keller
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20. The Marriage Triangle
There are two approaches to marriage: focusing on one another or focusing on God. Focusing on one another results in conditional love. It takes the "I'll be nice to you, if you are nice to me" approach. It's lived out in the power the flesh and can lead to the mad stage. It's illustrated by the two pointed arrows at the bottom. Focusing on God results in unconditional love. It takes the "I'll try to please God in my role as a spouse" approach. It's lived out in the power of the Holy Spirit and can lead to the glad stage. It's illustrated by the other arrows. Where are you in the triangle? Why does it matter? |
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21. The Spirit-filled life
Let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. Galatians 5:16 NLT
Learning how to live the Spirit filled life is the single most important ingredient to a healthy and lasting marriage.
One in three Christian marriages end in divorce. That means one in three couples began their marriage in love but ended it in hate. There are several factors that contribute to this process. Many of them have been covered above, yet there is one principle that can save any marriage from ending: learning how to live the Spirit filled life.
There are two voices that speak to you in any given circumstance, the flesh and the Holy Spirit. Our sin nature (the flesh) almost always speaks first and loudest. The Holy Spirit awaits his turn and speaks lovingly and scripturally.
The wise person refuses to obey the flesh, but chooses instead to listen to the Holy Spirit. The heart language of the Holy Spirit is Scripture. That is why it’s so important to read and know the Bible. If you don’t know much Scripture you will have a hard time hearing what the Spirit says.
The Holy Spirit and the flesh are vastly different from each other.
Describe your ability to live the Spirit filled life?
Let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. Galatians 5:16 NLT
Learning how to live the Spirit filled life is the single most important ingredient to a healthy and lasting marriage.
One in three Christian marriages end in divorce. That means one in three couples began their marriage in love but ended it in hate. There are several factors that contribute to this process. Many of them have been covered above, yet there is one principle that can save any marriage from ending: learning how to live the Spirit filled life.
There are two voices that speak to you in any given circumstance, the flesh and the Holy Spirit. Our sin nature (the flesh) almost always speaks first and loudest. The Holy Spirit awaits his turn and speaks lovingly and scripturally.
The wise person refuses to obey the flesh, but chooses instead to listen to the Holy Spirit. The heart language of the Holy Spirit is Scripture. That is why it’s so important to read and know the Bible. If you don’t know much Scripture you will have a hard time hearing what the Spirit says.
The Holy Spirit and the flesh are vastly different from each other.
- The Spirit guides towards love; the flesh towards truth.
- The goal of the Spirit is winning a heart, the goal of the flesh is winning an argument.
- The Spirit guides towards confession; the flesh guides towards blaming.
- The Spirit builds up; the flesh tears down.
- The Spirit loves; the flesh hates.
- The Spirit rightly accepts responsibility, the flesh wrongly assigns it to another.
Describe your ability to live the Spirit filled life?
22. Responsibility
A veteran marriage counselor stated that the majority of marriage conflict is related to the issue of responsibility. Either taking responsibility for things you should not, or not taking responsibility for things you should.
Were either of these two tendencies modeled in the home in which you grew up? Which way do you lean? How will you unlearn this? Is this important? Explain.
A veteran marriage counselor stated that the majority of marriage conflict is related to the issue of responsibility. Either taking responsibility for things you should not, or not taking responsibility for things you should.
Were either of these two tendencies modeled in the home in which you grew up? Which way do you lean? How will you unlearn this? Is this important? Explain.
23. God’s Plan for Marriage
- To the prospective husband:
- Describe how you will financially provide for your wife.
- Describe how you will spiritually lead your wife.
- Describe how you will emotionally nurture your wife.
- Describe your dreams and goals for your family.
- To the prospective wife:
- Describe how you financially contribute to your husband.
- Describe how you will submit to your husband’s spiritual leadership.
- Describe how you will respect your husband.
- Describe your dreams and goals for your family.
- Describe how you financially contribute to your husband.
24. One more thing
- What is the one thing you hope never changes about your prospective spouse?
- What is one thing you hope does change about your prospective spouse? How willing are you to live with that one thing unchanged for the next 25 years?
Footnotes.
- Questions on Friendship are taken from a questionnaire produced by StrongerMarriages.com
- Dave Earley, Disciple Making Is...: How to Live the Great Commission with Passion and Confidence (Nashville: B&H, 2013), 193, Kindle.